Saturday, June 5, 2010
It has been a little under two months now since my miscarriage. I lost Samantha on April 12 at nearly 5 months pregnant. My miscarriage was violently painful and and the experience is one I would never wish to happen to anyone else. I'm on my journey to finding a silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel...
My EDC (estimated date of conception) was December 18 and I didn't know I was pregnant until late February. My period had been irregular for some reason since September, so I didn't even think to take a pregnancy test for the longest time!
My 1st pregnancy was so easy. I hardly had morning sickness, and never were there any problems at all! I took care of myself, but no more than usual. I'd forget to take my prenatal vitamins sometimes and I didn't really feel terribly connected to the child growing inside of me. I was 19 and so many people in my life didn't 'approve' of my pregnancy and it was such a surprise that I think I spent a lot of time in a fog.
When we found out that we were expecting #2 I was excited and terrified all at once. Hubby and I have been married for 3 years now and although we hadn't planned it, we were looking forward to growing our little family. I worried about space, money and time, and with another child I wondered how our family dynamic would change and being an only child I wondered how my son would adjust to a sibling.
Even with all the worries I had, I felt this amazing joy! I was somewhat glad that I was already 12 weeks when I found out because it meant I only had a few weeks left to find out the gender and choose a name.
It seemed that when I finally felt at peace, things went wrong. I started bleeding a lot one night and decided to check myself into the ER. I left hubby and munchkin at home assuming it was no big deal but I wanted to be sure. That night they called it a 'threatened miscarriage' and told me there was a blood clot stuck in my cervix. They removed as much as they could and explained that the rest should reabsorb into my body.
Things seemed fine because my bleeding stopped a few days later and stayed that way for the next month.
My doctor was very busy, and during all this we moved about 30 minutes away.
The weekend we moved into our new place the bleeding started again, I was so confident that nothing was wrong & I had finally gotten an appointment with a high risk specialist for that Monday. I just rested on Saturday, but Sunday morning I woke up to the most painful cramping of my life. I couldn't walk, so I dragged myself to the bathroom. I took some of the Ibuprofen they'd prescribed me & went back to sleep.
Sunday night the pain came back and I couldn't take it. I was having contractions and the pain was so extreme I couldn't even talk. Hubby rushed me to the ER and spoke for me as they tried to assess what was going on.
The pain medicine they gave me wasn't working and they kept telling me there was nothing they could do because Samantha's heart beat was strong and they had no idea what was going on.
Then, I lost her...at 4:30am on Monday morning (only hours away from my appointment with the high risk specialist). My beautiful baby girl left this world and there was nothing I could do.
When one suffers a loss, the first question to mind is "why?" I held that question in my heart and mind constantly while waiting for pathology reports from the hospital. And anger...so much anger.
When I met with my doctor, she told me there are no reasons "why"; Samantha was healthy, no chromosomal abnormalities to speak of and her body was developing at the appropriate rate. The woman was actually almost speechless.
My mind had been stuck on "why" for so long, that answer just wasn't good enough for me.
Losing Samantha has taught me a hard life lesson: I AM HUMAN.
There are so many things in our lives that we can control, but life in itself...we cannot.
I'm learning that even if I can't answer "why"...someone knows the reason. Hopefully in time He will let me in on the secret.
If you've suffered a loss, you need support. Not everyone deals with grief in the same way and there is no 'wrong' way. If you live in the San Diego area there is Empty Cradle. Find a pregnancy loss support group near you or start one. You're not alone...no matter how lonely this pain feels.